Break In The Waves
I don't always want to write these only when there's something icky going on, but how else do you get feelings and emotions out of your face and heart if not to share them? I hurt. What does that mean... I'm experiencing anxiety, panic, depression. Where is it coming from? My conscious mind does not know that anything is going on, but my body knows better. I have a few sneaking suspicions... Currently I believe the biggest perpetrator is social media. For all the dopamine release I get from some of the frankly most hilarious memes and insane videos I've ever seen, I am also bombarded with information, opinions, and horrific news I did not ask for. The second even one tidbit of un-asked-for shlock has scrolled past my screen, I cannot unsee it. How it made me feel has already happened. It is festering inside my body and it was done without my permission. Except... I did permit it. By opening up an app I agree to play Russian roulette with what I am exposed to and relenquish how I feel to an entity outside of me. Not even a human entity. But even if I didn't choose what I ingest on the app, I chose to be on the app. There's no one in this agreement with more agency than myself.
Anyway, all that is to say, with all of the (really good!) things happening in my life and near future, I have been working against myself to feel the good about it. My attention has been sucked into a hole, and it's my fault. So! Let's be mindful of who we devote our focus and attention to, and how, shall we? Easier said than done, but the first step to getting better is admitting that you have a problem. And mine right now is spending time on "social" media.
That reminds me... I've also had to ask my partner to not send me AI generated art any more. The art is so beautiful, intoxicatingly so, and they make me feel such a pit in my chest of hopelessness. If you're aware that I'm a digital artist, you can probably imagine why. These things take such a ding on my self-esteem: How I gauge my output, the quality of work, the content of the work, etcetera. To that I say: I'm going to put my foot down and request I not be drip fed that stuff against my will. Which is hard, because it's something that my partner really enjoys... I'm sad if they're disappointed that they can't share in this thing with me (it's been an activity we do together). But at this point, I'm going to have to consider it a consent violation. (They haven't violated anything by the way... just emphasizing how serious I am. WHICH IS RARE.)
I hope this isn't too much of a rant...? Is it one? I don't usually rant. Maybe it could become a habit. I think I'd like that. Take care of yourself. Take care of your mind, and who you are, and remember that there are humans on the other side of these screens. That includes you.
Btw, watch this vid: Alive Internet Theory
All the best,
ohmi
mood







